Life is Good but it may be better with you in it

Several months ago, I posted an ad on Craig’s list looking for someone who may understand what a polyamorous relationship was and be willing to see if they fit into our world. The tittle of my post was ” Life is Good, but it may be better with you in it”. I explained in this ad that I was happily married and my husband understood that I needed the closeness of a woman. I really can’t say that I had too many responses. I met a few ladies that I corresponded with a few times. I enjoyed being able to share my thoughts. I began to feel as though I may be expecting too much. I was expecting too much out of my husband as well as any lady that would want to try to get involved with me.  I was expecting everyone around me to just accept that this was something that felt right in my world and everyone else would have to understand and accept it. That is a lot to ask. This lady would have to accept that I shared a life and raised a family with another person who I was still involved with. I could never be just his or just her’s. Both my husband and this lady would have to disregard any jealousy or envy. They would have to and share my time as well as my bed. My therapist thought that both my husband and I had such a honest and understanding relationship that it would be possible to find a lady that would fit into our world. She thought we both had so much to offer that we would find the right lady when the time was right. Of course she never said that an ad posted on Craig’s list was a good idea. As the Craig’s list ad’s began to make me feel hopeless, I decided that I would have to leave my husband in all fairness. Perhaps he could find a lady who wouldn’t always be left wanting. Maybe he could find someone who could love only him. He was such a great man with so much to offer maybe I needed to allow him to find some kind of normal. We loved each other but was that enough?

Love and What Not.

About five years ago, I met a curious lady. I hope you caught the double an tundra. She was indeed curious about what it would be like to explore intimacy with a lady. I am still having a difficult time trying to figure her out and why I feel the way I do about her. It is curious. She had just ended a marriage and thought perhaps a relationship with a woman was an option. My husband encouraged us to explore.    Everything happened so quickly that I don’t know that any of us could process our feelings. I enjoyed our first encounter, however the reality of what an actual relationship would do to our world was too much for me to consider. I told my husband that we needed to explain to her just that. We had a family to consider, we were business owners and we needed to be concerned about our reputations. After only two days into this relationship, we asked her to come over so we could talk. When the conversation began I fully intended to end it. My husband then told us that he wanted a relationship and wanted her to become part of our family. I was floored. I never saw that coming. I couldn’t speak. I just started crying. I knew at that moment my world would never be the same. This was not at all like my husband. I figured this was something he really wanted or he would not risk the assault this may be on his character. He had already been the source of much gossip following the scandalous affair that his ex wife was involved in that rocked this small community. He was already sensitive to the chatter and opinions of others. To make a decision to have a polyamorous relationship was inconceivable. I decided to allow myself to be open to it and I fell.

It was fun planning dates together and thinking of ways to spoil her. The intimacy was indescribable. The openness, kindness and connection was nothing I had ever experienced before. What happened in the bedroom unfortunately did not translate into the rest of our relationship. She had been communicating and having relationships with other men from the first night we were ever together. I had opened up her Facebook messages on night after she had been logged into my computer. She was very good at telling us stories and making excuses. I think the first one was named Mike. She blamed us for not being able to give her security that she needed and that was her reason for being with other men. In retrospective we did offer her security but she continued to take it away along with any trust we had. I don’t know why we continued to let her back in. I guess I thought that she would eventually realize that those other men could not offer her what we could. I would listen to her tell me about them and then I listened to her cry about them when it was over. I lost count of them. There have been times when I have stepped back for months at a time to allow her to find her happiness. We began to just want that for her. I was willing to step aside if there was a man that would make her happy. It hasn’t happened yet.

She recently contacted me after realizing a man she fell  in love with had been seeing other women. Several of the women had contacted her to tell her. She is torn and I can sympathize. I know exactly how she feels because she has done the same to me. I wonder if this is Karma. I don’t wish that for her because of the hurt I know but it is curious.

It is because of the good parts of what we shared that I know that what I want in the future. I just haven’t found the right woman yet.

 

My Authentic Self

A few months ago I decided that I needed to be true to myself. I wanted to be authentic. A few very close friends and family members knew that I had explored this side of my sexuality in the past, but I kept it hidden from most everyone. I decided that the “right” thing to do was to leave my husband and pursue a life as a lesbian. I “came out”. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do and I have not had such an easy life. It meant leaving a relationship with my husband which in fact was not a bad relationship. We were a great team. We had spent seventeen years together and accomplished so many things together. We raised a family, we started businesses, bought and sold properties, shared creative projects, and had a great circle of friends.  We enjoyed each others company. We truly loved each other. Leaving meant ending our dreams for the future, leaving my home and hurting people I cared about. I believed that it was the right thing to do to allow him to find another partner who wasn’t always looking for someone else. I didn’t feel I could offer him security because I in truth didn’t know what I really needed or wanted. I imagined what it would be like to have a relationship with a women without being confined by limitations of my marriage. It seemed less complicated. I thought people could understand that better. I was concerned about how others perceived me as I was married and having relationships outside of my marriage. The crazy thing was, my husband didn’t mind. He seemed to enjoy watching me get ready to go out. He was excited and happy for me when I thought I found someone that I seemed to like. There was no jealousy. He trusted that I would be honest with him and we had something that couldn’t be replaced. He once told me that he thought of it as energy and when I had a lady to share our lives with, it completed my circuit. I felt that way. I don’t think anyone completes me but energetically in our relationship the experience of being with another women makes me feel at peace. It is where I can express  love freely and uninhibited. That is truly what I believe is my authentic self.

I think I may have glossed over a few details

Yesterday I mentioned I had a few brief encounters with women before my second husband. After thinking more about how I stated that, it left me wondering why I made them seem insignificant. The struggle I had with my feelings for women during my first marriage was no different. I was married to a man who was just as empathetic to my struggle. I should not forget the turmoil I put him through. He was willing to do anything as well to help me with my turmoil. He allowed me to answer an ad that was written by a woman who called herself ” The Mountain Top Princess”. She was in a relationship with an older gentleman and was seeking an intimate friend to spend time with. Her boyfriend was completely aware of her desires. We talked quite a bit on the phone before we decided to meet in person. This was long before internet dating. As strange as it seems, our first meeting was a double date. My husband and I met her and her boyfriend for dinner. It didn’t work out after realizing that her boyfriend wanted to watch. I was not interested in entertaining her boyfriend’s voyeuristic desires. I often wonder what ever happened to my princess.

The first real intimate relationship I had was with a close friend. We had talked in great length about our curiosity.  My husband knew but her boyfriend did not. My husband encouraged it actually. I think it felt safe to some degree. He knew her and it didn’t seem as perverse as the first encounter. She had much more at stake. She believed her boyfriend would leave her and seek custody of their child if he knew but yet our curiosity took over. We planned an evening together. My husband bought us champagne and lit candles for us in small cabin behind our house. He took care of the children for the evening. I honestly can’t say I remember much of that evening. I think the champagne was finished fairly quickly. The things I remember are how soft her skin was and the scent of her skin. It was the day after that left the biggest impression. She didn’t want to talk to me anymore. She didn’t want to answer my calls. She seemed so angry and I didn’t understand why. I still don’t really understand. It was the beginning of the end of our friendship. We have been in contact a few times since, however it was never the same after that night. I miss her. When I look at the relationships I have had since, I can see a parallel. Anyone women I have wanted to be close with pushes me away and I never understand why.

It’s Complicated.

My name is Lily. I have been married to my second husband for 14 years. We have been together for about 17. We have raised our children together and had what seems to be a fairly successful marriage. When my husband married me he accepted me for who  I was, all of me. What he accepted but perhaps didn’t fully understand was that I was attracted to women. I was in my mid twenties at the time. I had three small children and had already been divorced. The thing is, I fell in love with this man. It didn’t solve my longing for women though. I had only had a few brief encounters with women prior to being with him, so I was not entirely sure exactly what I was longing for. Intimacy with men had always been about sharing closeness, but not about pure desire. To be honest, I didn’t know what it felt like to be turned on by men.  The desire to be with a woman became a need that I could not suppress any more. I know some of you feel that if I loved my husband I wouldn’t risk my relationship with him by being with a women and of course we could talk about the moral values as well. I understood the gravity and sometimes it felt that it would crush me. The depression came in waves. The embarrassment of hiding this secret and feeling like I was hiding a part of who I am was unbearable. I would cry myself to sleep many nights. I began to feel that it was not fair that my husband could have that desire and passion and express it but I was not allowed to express mine. We talked about it freely throughout the years. Talking did not solve the need I felt. About five years ago, she happened into my life. Nothing would ever be quite the same.

Happy Valentine’s Day

Well hello ladies. Happy Valentine’s Day. You must be curious or probably wouldn’t be reading this right? I have decided that today is the day I begin to share my journey with you. When I set out on this adventure I never thought that I would find so many women in the same situation. What situation you ask? Yes…… I knew it……you are curious. Do you have a desire you wish to explore? Do you feel there may be something you are missing or is it that you have always known? I would like to share with you my experience as I wade through what seems to be some very deep waters. We will travel down unknown roads, and climb some very high mountains to see if I find what it is I think I am searching for. I am hopeful o answer some burning questions. Some of you may be able to relate. Some may not understand at all. Some of you may just fantasize. Some of you may just be simply curious.

What is it that leads women to seek intimacy with other women? Is there moral differences between what is considered right or wrong between men and women? Can we be happily married yet still need the intimacy of a female? Is it possible to love more than one person at the same time? Is there such a thing as a friend with benefits? Is it an innate need or is it a psychological need to replace some other nurturing we lack? What is the difference between intimacy that is shared between two women compared to that shared between a man and a women? Is a polyamorous relationship the answer?

Curious?……….Stay tuned………